Most parents and teachers worry about children being bullied and the devastating consequences it will have in the short and long term. A great deal of time and effort is spent in schools on preparing children for the chance that this might happen to them.

A less often discussed, and more private fear that many parents have is, “What if my child is the bully?” or “What if my child becomes a bully?” There must be more you can do than apologise and hide!

Just because your child bullies, does not mean that you are a bad parent. Bullying is a maladaptive behaviour. It can be unlearned and it can be replaced with better behaviours. However, it does need to be addressed for the wellbeing and safety of your child and others in their life.

What makes kids bully?

There is no one factor that makes kids bully and there is no one kind of child that bullies. However, there are high risk factors:

• Bullying can be a social short cut. Using force and aggression is a quick way to get what you want. If a child has not learned the social skills required to get along with others and achieve their goals, they may just resort to force. That said, some bullies have highly advanced social skills. They recognise strength and weakness in others and they know what words and actions will hurt others. They employ these skills to gain dominance and get what they want. As you can see, it’s complicated!
• Bullying happens in the home or extended family. Aggression and violence happens in families, as much as we wish it wouldn’t. If a child sees this sort of behaviour at home it becomes the norm.
• It can be an extension of what is valued in the home. Santa Maria College Psychologist Jane Carmignani says, “If parents model that you are “good” when you are in control; you are a leader when others are scared of you; you are popular when you are feared; you are popular when you are exclusive. Then children will sometimes live that out in bullying.”
• A child who has been bullied is more likely to go on to bully themselves. Let’s face it, they have learned that skill the hard way and they know it works. It is also a self-protective behaviour. If a child is bullying, they are unlikely to be bullied themselves.
• Neglect can cause bullying. Children will literally fight for attention, negative or positive. Positive attention is a natural antidote but often adults will punish bullies by withholding positive attention. The cycle continues.
• Children see a lot of bullying behaviour on television and in popular culture. When you are making a TV show for young people, apparently there are only so many sources of conflict you can use to create drama. Bullying behaviour is often the one chosen.
• Children are more likely to bully when they feel vulnerable. It can be a source of empowerment. They are make themselves feel better by manipulating relationships around them or putting others down to feel superior.
• Bullying is a way of fitting in and not being bullied yourself. Fear is a very powerful motivator. Some children will only bully as part of a group of other bullies. That might make you feel slightly better but we all know it doesn’t make it right.
• Some argue that humans are hard wired to rank and create hierarchies. Other theorists believe that some children have a need for superiority and control as part of their temperament. Nature over nurture. That doesn’t mean it can’t be addressed.

Sometimes adults encourage bullying. They think it will make kids tough and able to cope with what the world throws at them. This is a misguided view as the negative consequences of bullying for the bully can be as severe as for the victim. Mind Matters Australia says that, “Research suggests negative longer-term outcomes for those who have been bullies in adolescence. Bullies are more likely than their peers to go on to adult substance misuse, violence and abuse, or criminal behaviour. One study also found that they are also more likely to have children who behave aggressively.”

Bullying also isolates a child. They may have the pack with them at the time of conflict, but kids aren’t silly. If your child is a bully, other kids will avoid them in the long run. In school playgrounds you often see bullies sitting alone or going from social group to social group trying to stir up trouble, anything for attention. It is very sad to watch.

#bullying